Sunday Columns		HUMOROUS ARTICLES	   by Richard Pavlicek



The 10 articles in this collection were written by Richard Pavlicek
and appeared in the Sunday column of the Fort Lauderdale News and Sun
Sentinel from 1986 to 1989.  Each article has a humorous theme.


All bridge diagrams follow the standard layout with North at the top,
East on the right, etc.  Since the N-E-S-W orientation is so common,
I have omitted the designations to eliminate clutter.  Remember that 
"NORTH is UP" just like on a map.


Note:  Text surrounded by angle brackets denotes italics, usually for
emphasis.  For example, "Lead the <unbid> suit" means the word "unbid"
would be in italic type when the article is formally typeset.  Do not
confuse this with ordinary parentheses.



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8439	THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY			   by Richard Pavlicek

	S  10 6 5 4
	H  10
	D  K 3
	C  Q J 10 7 6 4

S  3	          	S  K Q
H  A K Q J 8 6 3	H  9 7 5 2
D  J 10 9 7 5   	D  Q 8 4 2
C  --           	C  8 5 3

	S  A J 9 8 7 2
	H  4
	D  A 6
	C  A K 9 2

West	North	East	South
4 H	Pass	Pass	4 S
5 H	5 S	Pass	6 S
All pass

Bridge players are eager to discuss their great bids or plays that 
worked and, consequently, the majority of bridge articles reflect 
brilliant efforts. Today's hand, however, brings out the other extreme 
-- a "brilliant" disaster.

West, a well-known expert (who will go nameless because I value my 
life), opened with a preemptive bid of four hearts. Freakish hands are 
difficult to bid accurately, so this was sound strategy. When South 
balanced with four spades, West persisted to five hearts. It is 
unusual to preempt and bid again, but West's hand also was unusual 
and the bid can hardly be faulted. North felt obliged to make a 
competitive raise to five spades, and South ended the auction with a 
stab at slam.

Obviously, six spades has no chance to make (declarer must lose a 
heart and a spade), so it appears that West's tactics were successful. 
They would have been if West had left well enough alone, but he 
started thinking:

One heart trick probably would cash; but where would the setting trick 
come from? South had bid the slam voluntarily (after North's raise) 
and it might be unbeatable with normal defense. Therefore, West 
decided to try a desperate gamble. He led the heart <three>!

West's vain hope was that East held the heart 10 and, upon winning the 
first trick, would switch to a club to give West a ruff. This might 
have been spectacular on another deal, but not this time. The 
appearance of dummy was not a pleasant sight (to put it mildly).

After recovering from the disbelief of winning the opening lead, 
declarer led one round of trumps and quickly claimed his "unmakable" 
slam, conceding one trump trick.

West sighed.



8644	THE WORLD'S WORST BRIDGE PLAYER		   by Richard Pavlicek

	S  9 8 3
	H  9 7 2
	D  7 6 2
	C  A Q 9 7

S  10 2         	S  --
H  Q 10 8 6 4   	H  A K J 5 3
D  9 8          	D  J 10 5 4
C  J 8 6 5      	C  K 10 4 3

	S  A K Q J 7 6 5 4
	H  --
	D  A K Q 3
	C  2

West	North	East	South
			7 S
Pass	Pass	Dbl	Rdbl
All Pass			

This article was inspired by Bernie Chazen of Tamarac. No, he is not
the title character; indeed, Chazen is one of the country's finest 
players. He is a great storyteller and this is his latest gem.

It seems there was a rubber bridge player in New York City years ago 
-- I'll call him "The Loser" -- who was the biggest patsy of all time. 
He would play for the highest stakes and set new records for losses 
every day. On the hand prior to today's deal, he was declarer in four 
hearts and claimed the rest of the tricks. Unfortunately, he forgot 
there was a trump out (the rules forbade drawing trumps after a claim) 
so an opponent scored a ruff to defeat an ice-cold contract.

The Loser then picked up the South hand and, in usual fashion, opened
with a brash bid of seven spades as West doubled on general principles.
South took all doubles as personal affronts and routinely redoubled. 
(Everyone agreed that bidding had to be the best part of his game.)

Amazingly, the dummy hit with the <ace of clubs> and seven spades was 
absolutely laydown. Redoubled, vulnerable, that is 2,890 points! In a 
state of frenzy, The Loser screamed, "I'm claiming! And <this> time I'm 
pulling trumps!"

To emphasize this he laid down the ace of spades, king of spades and 
<queen of spades>! Unfortunately, this last play took out <dummy's> trump 
which was necessary to ruff the fourth diamond, and the laydown 
contract was now in jeopardy.

"Play it out!" the defenders demanded, so he cashed the top diamonds 
to find they didn't break. Then he led all of his trumps to reach a 
two-card ending. Dummy remained with A-Q in clubs and East perforce 
blanked the club king to keep the diamond jack. The Loser led a club 
and remarked, "I suppose I'm not allowed to finesse after claiming."

"Do anything you want," East graciously replied.

"Thank you, <queen>!" -- Down two, Minus 1,000.



8652	OPENING LEAD GIVES DECLARER A RUFF TIME	   by Richard Pavlicek

	S  K Q J 10 9
	H  5 4 3 2
	D  J 10 9 2
	C  --

S  8 7          	S  A 3 2
H  --           	H  7 6
D  K 8 7 6      	D  Q 5
C  A Q J 10 9 8 4	C  K 7 6 5 3 2

	S  6 5 4
	H  A K Q J 10 9 8
	D  A 4 3
	C  --

West	North	East	South
			1 H
3 C	3 H	5 C	5 H
6 C	6 H	All Pass	

Today's deal occurred many years ago in the town of Dorfburg, West 
Germany, a small fishing village in the Black Forest. Or was it 
Katmandu, Nepal? I can't remember, it's been so long; but I was right 
there at the table.

The bidding was lively as both sides found their superb trump fits. 
East and West held the ultimate fit -- thirteen cards -- but they 
finally succumbed when North persisted to six hearts. This was a wise 
decision since six hearts appears to be unmakable.

West led the club ace and the declarer surveyed his chances. Wow! A 
ruff and a sluff on the opening lead! He quickly made use of one of 
dummy's small trumps and discarded a small diamond from his hand. 
Trumps were drawn in two rounds, then spades were attacked. Everything 
would have been cozy if East had taken his ace on the first or second 
round; but West gave a count signal with the eight, and East correctly 
held up. After winning the third spade, East returned a diamond and 
declarer could not avoid a diamond loser. The dummy had two good 
spades, but there was no way to get there.

East was quick to point out that declarer should have ruffed the 
opening lead in his <hand>, throwing a spade from dummy. Then when East 
held up the spade ace twice, declarer could lead the diamond jack to 
West's king and eventually discard his last spade on dummy's fourth 
diamond. South rebutted that East could cover the diamond jack with 
the queen . . . East argued that it didn't matter since West would 
have to duck the second diamond, and then a spade lead would force 
East to concede another ruff-sluff . . . South agreed, but realized 
East could simply win the <first> spade if South played this way.

How to make it? <Ruff the opening lead in both hands>. Trumps are drawn 
in two rounds, then spades are led twice as East must duck. The 
diamond jack is led, covered by the queen (best), and won by the ace. 
The next diamond lead is ducked by West (best) and won by dummy's ten. 
Finally, a spade is conceded to East who has no more diamonds and must 
return a club.



8720	BIZARRE AUCTION IS BRIDGE NIGHTMARE	   by Richard Pavlicek

	S  10 5 3
	H  3
	D  10 2
	C  K Q J 7 6 5 3

S  9 8 6 2      	S  A K Q J 7 4
H  A K J 10 4   	H  Q 9 2
D  K 7 3        	D  A Q 6 4
C  2            	C  --

	S  --
	H  8 7 6 5
	D  J 9 8 5
	C  A 10 9 8 4

West	North	East	South
1 H	3 C	5 NT	6 S
7 H	7 S	Dbl	All Pass

Of course, you say, today's diagram must be faulty -- South couldn't 
possibly be declarer in seven spades; it must be East who was 
declarer.

Not true. The cliche that truth is stranger than fiction may have been 
founded with this deal, which occurred in the Florida finals of the 
Grand National Teams held two weeks ago in Tampa. South did indeed 
declare seven spades doubled; and what's more, <all four players at the 
table were experts>. West was Bill Passell of Coral Springs and East 
was David Strasberg of Davie. But I will not divulge the names of the 
North-South players for health reasons -- <my> health, that is.

West routinely opened one heart and North made a weak jump overcall of 
three clubs. East's five-notrump bid was a perfect choice, the "grand 
slam force," which demanded that West bid seven hearts if he held two 
of the top three trump honors. Note that Blackwood would not have 
helped East because he was not concerned about the club ace; all he 
needed was the ace and king of hearts. West properly obliged and East 
might have chosen seven spades (instead of hearts) as the final 
contract; but something bizarre happened along the way.

South was aware that his opponents were headed for a grand slam in 
hearts, and also aware that his club ace was not going to take a 
trick. A sacrifice bid of eight clubs was not allowed, so he came up 
with a masterful call -- six spades! This would tell his partner to 
lead a spade against seven hearts (which he'd ruff for the setting 
trick); and if six spades was doubled, he would retreat to safety in 
seven clubs. A brilliant coup!

Unfortunately, North was not in on this coup. He assumed his partner 
held a real spade suit and, lacking any defensive strength, he chose 
to sacrifice in <seven spades> over seven hearts. East doubled (seems 
reasonable to me), and South's feelings were unexpressable in words. 
Talk about wanting to crawl under the table! Down 13 doubled -- minus 
3500 under the new scoring change -- was a nightmare of all 
nightmares.



8751	TOURNEY DOMINATED BY HOOVES AND ANTLERS	   by Richard Pavlicek

	S  K Q 10 5 4 3 2
	H  3 2
	D  5 4
	C  10 9

S  J 9 8 7      	S  6
H  9 8 7        	H  J 6 5 4
D  8 7 6        	D  J 9 3 2
C  7 6 5        	C  J 4 3 2

	S  A
	H  A K Q 10
	D  A K Q 10
	C  A K Q 8

West	North	East	South
			4 NT
Pass	5 C	Pass	5 NT
Pass	6 D	Pass	6 NT
All Pass			

Today's deal occurred at the annual North Pole Regional, an unusual 
tournament in that local reindeer are invited to attend. This has 
caused complaints from the Eskimos who cite "hoofings" and "antler 
gougings" as reasons for barring the reindeer; but the truth is that 
no Eskimo has won since the reindeer were admitted in 1976.

At one table Mush, the top Eskimo player, opened the South hand with 
four notrump, Blackwood. (Eskimo bidding left a lot to be desired.) 
His partner, Slush, showed no aces (what a surprise) and Mush continued
with five notrump to ask for kings. When Slush showed one king, Mush 
still had no idea what to bid and he took a stab at six notrump.

West led a spade and Mush was . . . well, in the slush. He had 10 top 
tricks in his hand and two in dummy, but there was no way to reach the 
dummy. He played skillfully (endplaying East) to escape for down one. 
After the session he asked some of the reindeer what they had done on 
this annoying deal.

"Oh, we bid <seven spades>," said Randolph, "and I made it on a trump 
coup. After ruffing three times in the North hand, I ended with South 
on lead and West's spade jack was trapped in the end position. Not 
much to it really."

"We bid <seven hearts>," exclaimed Raymond. "West led a spade and I had 
to hope for miracles. I ruffed the third round of diamonds in dummy 
then, fearing a bad spade break, I led the club ten for a finesse. 
When this held I took the heart finesse and all of a sudden my hand 
was good. Making seven!"

"How about that!" echoed Ralph. "We bid <seven diamonds> and I made it 
the same way."

"Guess what?" chimed Rudolph. "We bid <seven clubs> . . . some kind of 
Gerber malfunction. I won the spade lead, cashed all my red-nosed . . . 
er, red-suit winners, and ruffed a heart. The spade king was ruffed 
and overruffed, then a diamond ruff gave me 13 tricks. Rather easy."



8752	ESKIMO HOSPITALIZED BY NORTH POLE DEAL	   by Richard Pavlicek

	S  9 8 7
	H  K 10 4
	D  A K 9 4
	C  A K 9

S  A Q J 6 5    	S  10 4
H  9 7          	H  J 8 6 5
D  10 5         	D  J 8 7 6
C  10 6 5 4     	C  8 7 3

	S  K 3 2
	H  A Q 3 2
	D  Q 3 2
	C  Q J 2

West	North	East	South
			1 C
1 S	2 D	Pass	2 NT
Pass	4 NT	All Pass	

Today's deal, another from the North Pole Tournament, caused havoc for 
many North-South pairs who bid too much with their 31 high-card 
points. Indeed one Eskimo was hospitalized after he bid a slam -- it 
seems the reindeer sitting East-West celebrated the defeat with too 
much glee, dealing the Eskimo an antler in the ear. Latest reports 
indicate he is recovering.

Most of the reindeer duplicated the auction of Randolph and Raymond as 
shown. Randolph, South, opened one club and Raymond bid his diamond 
suit after West's overcall. Randolph rebid two notrump to show his 
spade stopper and Raymond raised to four -- a quantitative slam try 
(not Blackwood), which Randolph correctly refused with his lousy 14 
points. An excellent auction . . . but even <four> notrump proved to be 
too high.

West cagily led a heart, rather than present declarer with a spade 
trick, and Randolph had nine sure tricks: three in every suit but 
spades. The spade ace obviously was off side, so he first tested 
hearts, then diamonds, to see if either suit broke favorably. No luck. 
Randolph then cashed his club winners ending in dummy and made one 
last attempt by leading the spade nine. If East had played low, he 
would have ducked it to West who remained with A-Q-J-6; but East 
alertly played the <ten>, and Randolph was defeated.

A discussion was held later to determine if four notrump could be 
made, but the reindeer failed to find a solution. Even Rudolph, with 
his inspired play, could win no more than nine tricks after a heart 
lead. Can you make it?

This was a job for Master Mouse. The reindeer chipped in for a 
long-distance phone call to the rodent's home, and the answer came 
forthwith: "Yes . . . your basic holdup play. <Duck> the heart nine 
completely, then cash all your red-suit winners on which West discards 
one spade and two clubs (best). Cash your clubs ending in dummy and 
West must keep either A-Q-J or A-Q-6 in spades. Either way you can 
force a spade trick in the end."



8821	DISCOVERY REVEALS ORIGIN OF BRIDGE	   by Richard Pavlicek

	S  A J 7
	H  --
	D  7 6 5
	C  --

S  Q 9 8        	S  --
H  Q 9 8        	H  --
D  --           	D  Q 9 8
C  --           	C  Q 9 8

	S  K 10 5 4
	H  --
	D  --
	C  7 6

The Western World was stunned by an incredible discovery made public 
last week. Egyptian archaeologists, in a new excavation only two miles 
from the tomb of Tutankhamen, uncovered artifacts that have a direct 
bearing on the heritage of bridge.

According to project coordinator, Awadar Habir, "Over a two-month 
period we unearthed 17 clay tablets. All have been authenticated by 
electrophoresis and radiocarbon tests, and we welcome verification by 
outside experts. We are now in the process of deciphering the 
writings, which are hieroglyphics of the 18th dynasty."

At this writing the United States has officially accepted Mr. Habir's 
invitation. A team of Egyptologists, headed by Clayton Chernak, Ph.D., 
of Harvard, will leave Tuesday to participate in the findings. I have 
been invited as a bridge expert -- have shovel, will travel. It sounds 
exciting.

Habir divulged that the first four tablets contained a treatise 
entitled "Tut's Bridge Complete," which included many card diagrams 
followed by explanations. He released the above diagram because the 
explanation had become fossilized by Tana leaves and the translators 
were puzzled. Tutankhamen wrote that <five> of the six tricks must be 
won with spades trump and South to lead; but from that point on it was 
indiscernible.

Can you solve the mystery?

TUT'S SOLUTION

There is just one solution. Tutankhamen played a spade to the <ace>. 
(The finesse wasn't discovered until centuries later.) He then led a 
diamond and trumped with the spade <ten>. West must overruff and return 
a trump -- else the solution is easy -- and North's <jack> is played. 
Then: (1) If East keeps only one diamond, a diamond ruff establishes 
the North hand; (2) if East keeps only one club, South <overtakes> with 
spade king to ruff a club and establish the South hand.

Tut-tut.



8851	HOTEL DEMOLISHED AT NORTH POLE TOURNEY	   by Richard Pavlicek

	S  A Q 3 2
	H  5 4 3
	D  A Q 3
	C  A J 9

S  K J 6        	S  7 5 4
H  9 8 7        	H  K J 6
D  K J 6        	D  7 5 4
C  Q 10 8 7     	C  6 5 4 3

	S  10 9 8
	H  A Q 10 2
	D  10 9 8 2
	C  K 2

West	North	East	South
	1 NT	Pass	7 C
All Pass			

I just got back from the North Pole Regional, which ended early this 
year when a reindeer stampede demolished the host hotel. It all 
happened as a result of today's deal.

The top Eskimo pair, Mush and Slush, were playing against a weak 
reindeer pair, Ralph and Ronald. Mush, North, opened one notrump and 
Slush, South, responded two clubs Stayman . . . or so he thought. The 
language barrier has always been a problem at this tournament, and the 
rules committee decreed that all bids must be made in the language of 
one's opponents. Unfortunately, Slush did not speak fluent reindeer.

When Mush passed the "Stayman bid," Slush knew something was awry and 
asked for a review of the bidding. Ralph cheerfully stated that it 
went, "One notrump, pass, <seven> clubs, all pass."

"Director!" shouted Slush. Moments later the tournament director 
arrived and Slush explained the problem. The director thumbed through 
his rulebook as Slush annoyingly persisted, "I want a ruling!"

"The bid stands!" announced the director. "Play it!" (A later 
examination of the rulebook showed no such rule, but director Rudolph 
Blitzen said his decision was impartial and unprejudiced.)

Ralph led the heart nine, and Slush reluctantly agreed to play out the 
hand. He won the heart 10 as East played low, and led the diamond 10; 
jack, queen. A heart was led to the queen, then came the spade 10; 
jack, queen. Another heart to the ace was followed by the diamond nine 
and spade nine, both of which won.

Slushed with success, South led the club deuce to dummy's nine. It 
won! He cashed the diamond ace, spade ace, and then ruffed dummy's 
last spade with his club king as each reindeer helplessly ruffed low. 
Dummy won the last two tricks with the ace-jack of clubs over West's 
queen. Seven clubs, bid and made! On a three-two trump fit!

Word spread quickly. The floor trembled, then splintered, as the 
hoofed creatures began to run amok. The hotel was trampled to rubble. 
Luckily, I escaped with only a few bruises from hoofprints.



8950	"BAD DEFENSE" CAUSES REINDEER STAMPEDE	   by Richard Pavlicek

	S  A K J
	H  9 8 3
	D  9 8 7 6
	C  A Q 7

S  Q 10 4 3     	S  8 7 6
H  7 4          	H  J 10 6 5
D  A Q J 5      	D  10 4
C  K 5 4        	C  9 8 6 3

	S  9 5 2
	H  A K Q 2
	D  K 3 2
	C  J 10 2

West	North	East	South
1 D	Dbl	Pass	4 H
All Pass			

The North Pole Regional has been cancelled this year. The host Eskimos 
could not rebuild the hotel in time after the trampling it receive 
last year when the reindeer ran amok. Tournament chairman Mush Kimook 
announced it will be schedule for next July, which as he admits, "is 
a deliberate attempt to cut down the reindeer attendance." Entry fees 
also will be increased, although the hoofed creatures have vowed to 
plunder and pillage if necessary to come up with the money.

Mush wrote that a lot of controversy was spawned by last year's 
fiasco, including today's deal which captured the front-page headline. 
His partner Slush McRuff opened the West hand with one diamond, only 
to hear the "beastly opponents" bid swiftly to four hearts. This 
contract was <made> despite its obvious impossibility -- declarer can 
play cards until they come out of his antlers, but he must lose three 
diamonds and a trump trick. Therefore, Mush and Slush were accused of 
bad defense, which led to a reindeer spree, which led to a stampede
. . . you know the rest.

Mush could not recall the exact play, but he knew that Slush led the 
seven of hearts and the defense was <accurate>. This contradicts the 
evidence, of course, so the committee had no choice but to rule them 
at fault and liable for damages. Was this a fair ruling? Or can four 
hearts be made legitimately? You be the judge.

Declarer can win nine easy tricks, but all routine tries for 10 will 
fail. Note that if declarer leads a diamond from dummy, East can play 
the <10> to ensure that West will not be endplayed.

But there is a way. <Duck the seven-of-hearts lead> (East cannot 
overtake without losing a trick). Win the next heart; three clubs (by 
finessing); two more hearts; and the spade finesse. Assuming West has 
not thrown a diamond, cash two more spades to squeeze him in <one suit>. 
If he keeps A-Q-J, duck a diamond; if he keeps A-Q-5, finesse against 
East's 10 -- you can always win a diamond trick.

Should Mush and Slush be exonerated? Fat chance. When was the last 
time you saw a reindeer play a hand like this?



8951	REINDEER ORGANIZATION DENOUNCES WRITER	   by Richard Pavlicek

	S  Q 8 3 2
	H  K 7 5
	D  Q 2
	C  K J 3 2

S  A J 9        	S  7
H  4 3 2        	H  Q J 10 9 8
D  A K J 9      	D  5 4 3
C  7 6 5        	C  Q 10 9 8

	S  K 10 6 5 4
	H  A 6
	D  10 8 7 6
	C  A 4

West	North	East	South
1 D	Pass	1 H	1 S
1 NT	3 S	Pass	4 S
Dbl	All Pass		

In response to last Sunday's column, I received a telex letter from 
Fawn Deerborn, president of N.A.A.R (apparently, some reindeer 
organization). Miss Deerborn said her members were up in antlers about 
my accounts of last year's North Pole Regional. She goes on to state, 
"Your condescending remarks about reindeer -- in particular, the 
pillaging and plundering -- were uncalled for and without foundation. 
In the future, please keep your opinions to yourself." I was also 
"uninvited" to attend next year's tournament.

Well, what can I say; I have never had a condescending attitude toward 
reindeer. In fact, I have always felt there is a place for them not 
only at bridge tournaments, but in <every home>. To be sure, they make 
excellent hat racks; or you can take them outside, turn 'em over, and 
plow the garden. (Santa, take note for the off-season.)

In support of her claim, Miss Deerborn submitted today's deal, which 
was played by her reindeer partner Randolph. Aggressive bidding led to 
a tenuous four-spade contract, doubled by West. She comments, "There 
was no defense to beat Randolph's brilliant play."

West cashed two diamonds, then exited with a heart and sat back to 
wait for his two sure trump tricks; or so he thought. Randolph won the 
heart ace, heart king, and ruffed a heart in his hand. Next came a 
diamond ruff; ace-king of clubs; a club ruff; and another diamond ruff 
with the spade <eight> so East could not overruff. With three cards 
left, declarer ruffed dummy's last club with the spade <king> and West 
was helpless. If he <overruffed> with the ace, he would have to lead 
away from the jack-nine; if he <underruffed>, declarer would win both 
the king and queen. Either way, all West could win was the ace of 
spades.

Dear Miss Deerborn: The hand was well-played for a hat rack, er, 
reindeer; but I dispute your comment about the defense. West can beat 
the contract by leading a <spade at trick two>. Later, when he wins the 
diamond ace, he can clear trumps. This leads to the normal reindeer 
result, <down one>. Respectfully yours, R.P.

